Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Light bulb over the head!!!!
I got it!! I know what's going on with me. Pardon me as I ramble about through my thoughts on this blog.
I'm angry. I'm absolutely furious! I've been on a slow burn for 2.5 years that is now blazing up into a nice little campfire.
Hubby decides to start a business with me 3 months pregnant with the 4th child. I am busy about the choice that WE made together for me to be a stay-at-home Mom, and a homeschooler. Then in the planning stage, I get notified about what will be needed for me for this venture to succeed.
My initial feeling - total dread, impending doom, a nausea worse than anything pregnancy-related could be. BUT, I pull myself up by my bra-straps, put together a plan to make our budget work until the refinance money from the new mortgage is gone.
I become the CFO and VP Marketing. I make sales calls, strategize, and meet and greet. VERY pregnant.
The Baby is born 3 weeks early, I leave the hospital at 48 hours (WAYYYYYY short for a C-section), but I'm working my ASS off at the hospital to lift, nurse, and change the baby with NO help, NO company, NO comfy bed. Somebody had to be home with the other 3 children and taking care of the business. I'm back to work on day 6 in the office doing accounting!
I work with the nursing baby in my arms, hire babysitters to take care of the others, and return to meetings and such by weaning the new baby at 3 weeks! Then the babysitters can keep all 4 while I attend to "business" and try to get this thing launched properly.
Fortunately, the "homeschool" kids are brilliant and far ahead of their grade level and the months of partial to full neglect of their education don't have a bad impact. I finally BREAK down and send them to school - best decision I ever made. (Thanks again, Vikki, for the encouragement and the "permission" to do this and feel good about it!) GREAT school, and the kids do VERY well.
Many little traumas connected to this business. NOW, 2.5 years down the road, it's still feast and famine, still not providing that which allows a stay-at-home mom to stay at home. Do we let the hole continue to deepen, or do I begin to realize that it's my job to finance the dream of my husband? What about the little kids who didn't get to vote? What about my vote? Well, we don't get one. This is too important to hubby to risk non-compliance by considering the five of us and the impact his vocation has.
Of course this isn't his conscious thought process. His thought is that he's doing the best thing for us by being an entrepreneur and generating income from home. No travelling, no unfair employer, no sick pay denied, no days off refused, no arguments with the boss about strategy. Less stress!
Fuhhhhhhhhhhh! I'm just furious. Things are weird with the business, therefore, things are weird for the home budget manager (me), therefore, things are weird between Mom and Dad (us), therefore, things are weird for the kids. AND nothing is going to change. It's just not possible.
And, so, I am angry. I'm lashing out. I'm fed up and ready to give up and just go away! And I can't see that it really matters a whole lot.
So, I know why my brain is doing this thing that it's doing. I know why my thoughts are straying in the way they have. I know exactly why. It has nothing to do with anyone else. It is me and my anger. I've expressed my anger in every way I can think of. I've rationally, calmly expressed it. I've whined, bitched, and complained. I've sobbed helplessly. I've growled through gritted teeth. Nothing, no response.
So, I'm at the place where you just gotta say, "What the fuck?"
Can't resort to the old ways. Too much at stake. Too many people to screw over if I don't maintain and do the right thing.
What I want is this: I want for the company to appear as a person, and I want to take a sharp instrument and hold the business up against a wall (outside of course where I can hose it clean afterward) and I want to stab that thing over and over and over until it has no breath, and it slumps, and its dead weight makes me let go and it slides down into a heap at the top of the driveway. Then I would lay it flat and roll it down the driveway to the little area that the trashpeople pickup limbs and leaves and stuff. Then go hose off the wall, and wash down the driveway really well. Then I would hop in the van and go pick up the children from school, and by the time we returned, Waste Management will have made their rounds and there will be no trace of this business ever again. Monty will come home from his new job, and supper will be ready, homework will be done. I'll be looking fantastic, no stress lines, no deep fears or concerns plagueing me, and we'll have marathon sex as soon as the kids are asleep! It will all be over, and I can once again have hope and see a future.
There's a fucking dream!
I'm angry. I'm absolutely furious! I've been on a slow burn for 2.5 years that is now blazing up into a nice little campfire.
Hubby decides to start a business with me 3 months pregnant with the 4th child. I am busy about the choice that WE made together for me to be a stay-at-home Mom, and a homeschooler. Then in the planning stage, I get notified about what will be needed for me for this venture to succeed.
My initial feeling - total dread, impending doom, a nausea worse than anything pregnancy-related could be. BUT, I pull myself up by my bra-straps, put together a plan to make our budget work until the refinance money from the new mortgage is gone.
I become the CFO and VP Marketing. I make sales calls, strategize, and meet and greet. VERY pregnant.
The Baby is born 3 weeks early, I leave the hospital at 48 hours (WAYYYYYY short for a C-section), but I'm working my ASS off at the hospital to lift, nurse, and change the baby with NO help, NO company, NO comfy bed. Somebody had to be home with the other 3 children and taking care of the business. I'm back to work on day 6 in the office doing accounting!
I work with the nursing baby in my arms, hire babysitters to take care of the others, and return to meetings and such by weaning the new baby at 3 weeks! Then the babysitters can keep all 4 while I attend to "business" and try to get this thing launched properly.
Fortunately, the "homeschool" kids are brilliant and far ahead of their grade level and the months of partial to full neglect of their education don't have a bad impact. I finally BREAK down and send them to school - best decision I ever made. (Thanks again, Vikki, for the encouragement and the "permission" to do this and feel good about it!) GREAT school, and the kids do VERY well.
Many little traumas connected to this business. NOW, 2.5 years down the road, it's still feast and famine, still not providing that which allows a stay-at-home mom to stay at home. Do we let the hole continue to deepen, or do I begin to realize that it's my job to finance the dream of my husband? What about the little kids who didn't get to vote? What about my vote? Well, we don't get one. This is too important to hubby to risk non-compliance by considering the five of us and the impact his vocation has.
Of course this isn't his conscious thought process. His thought is that he's doing the best thing for us by being an entrepreneur and generating income from home. No travelling, no unfair employer, no sick pay denied, no days off refused, no arguments with the boss about strategy. Less stress!
Fuhhhhhhhhhhh! I'm just furious. Things are weird with the business, therefore, things are weird for the home budget manager (me), therefore, things are weird between Mom and Dad (us), therefore, things are weird for the kids. AND nothing is going to change. It's just not possible.
And, so, I am angry. I'm lashing out. I'm fed up and ready to give up and just go away! And I can't see that it really matters a whole lot.
So, I know why my brain is doing this thing that it's doing. I know why my thoughts are straying in the way they have. I know exactly why. It has nothing to do with anyone else. It is me and my anger. I've expressed my anger in every way I can think of. I've rationally, calmly expressed it. I've whined, bitched, and complained. I've sobbed helplessly. I've growled through gritted teeth. Nothing, no response.
So, I'm at the place where you just gotta say, "What the fuck?"
Can't resort to the old ways. Too much at stake. Too many people to screw over if I don't maintain and do the right thing.
What I want is this: I want for the company to appear as a person, and I want to take a sharp instrument and hold the business up against a wall (outside of course where I can hose it clean afterward) and I want to stab that thing over and over and over until it has no breath, and it slumps, and its dead weight makes me let go and it slides down into a heap at the top of the driveway. Then I would lay it flat and roll it down the driveway to the little area that the trashpeople pickup limbs and leaves and stuff. Then go hose off the wall, and wash down the driveway really well. Then I would hop in the van and go pick up the children from school, and by the time we returned, Waste Management will have made their rounds and there will be no trace of this business ever again. Monty will come home from his new job, and supper will be ready, homework will be done. I'll be looking fantastic, no stress lines, no deep fears or concerns plagueing me, and we'll have marathon sex as soon as the kids are asleep! It will all be over, and I can once again have hope and see a future.
There's a fucking dream!
Comments:
Post a Comment
free hit counter