Tuesday, January 13, 2004
Ribqah in turmoil . . .
Tonight I am sobbing. Tonight I ponder, and weigh, and compare, and judge, and wonder, and grieve, and just cry.
Is this the time for me? Is this the time for me to have something of mine? Just for me? To be challenged and to succeed, to be asked and to answer, to be offended and to retaliate, to be recognized and validated just because??!
Oh, God! This is so hard for me. I could easily put this off for another two or three years, and get the needed education and certifications under my belt while continuing to be full-time Mom to my 4 children, and secondary caregiver to my Mom with Alzheimer's Dementia, and helper and support to my Dad - her full-time caregiver.
I'm looking at my 7th and 8th grade students, and I'm trying to think about what their Mom's think when they look at these children. I'm seeing that my own babies will be 12, 13, 14 SO soon! It's just a couple of years, right?
When I'm at school teaching, I get such an immediate reward for my efforts, and I'm respected and welcomed by my peers. When I'm at jRag, I just feel SO much validation, I'm becoming addicted! It's such an energetic place and everyone there is casual and has a good sense of humor, it's just a BLAST. I feel like a puppy just let out of a travel crate after being confined for HOURS on a long trip - I just want to get in there and race around and around, and wallow in the scent, and bark and growl and yip and PLAY!!! It's like a vacation from responsibility!
Tonight, I'm waking up to some reality and it's a bit like a hangover. I'm going to get my mind off this for now and study Biology. We're out of the EVOLUTIONIST's propaganda section and into atomic matter. (Sorry, Sean.)
I'm glad God created the universe and placed the stars exactly where they are tonight. I know He's with me through all this and will reveal His plan if I can get still and quiet long enough. My ideas are good, but He's God! I can screw up anything - I've proven it before!
I think He knew how much I appreciated that shooting star just when the crying began to calm.
Is this the time for me? Is this the time for me to have something of mine? Just for me? To be challenged and to succeed, to be asked and to answer, to be offended and to retaliate, to be recognized and validated just because??!
Oh, God! This is so hard for me. I could easily put this off for another two or three years, and get the needed education and certifications under my belt while continuing to be full-time Mom to my 4 children, and secondary caregiver to my Mom with Alzheimer's Dementia, and helper and support to my Dad - her full-time caregiver.
I'm looking at my 7th and 8th grade students, and I'm trying to think about what their Mom's think when they look at these children. I'm seeing that my own babies will be 12, 13, 14 SO soon! It's just a couple of years, right?
When I'm at school teaching, I get such an immediate reward for my efforts, and I'm respected and welcomed by my peers. When I'm at jRag, I just feel SO much validation, I'm becoming addicted! It's such an energetic place and everyone there is casual and has a good sense of humor, it's just a BLAST. I feel like a puppy just let out of a travel crate after being confined for HOURS on a long trip - I just want to get in there and race around and around, and wallow in the scent, and bark and growl and yip and PLAY!!! It's like a vacation from responsibility!
Tonight, I'm waking up to some reality and it's a bit like a hangover. I'm going to get my mind off this for now and study Biology. We're out of the EVOLUTIONIST's propaganda section and into atomic matter. (Sorry, Sean.)
I'm glad God created the universe and placed the stars exactly where they are tonight. I know He's with me through all this and will reveal His plan if I can get still and quiet long enough. My ideas are good, but He's God! I can screw up anything - I've proven it before!
I think He knew how much I appreciated that shooting star just when the crying began to calm.
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